Dear Diary, I have finally CRACKED

 

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Me being dead grumpy.

THIS POST WAS WRITTEN ON Saturday 20th February 2016.


I am 50% exhausted, 50% pissed, 10% fed up. No I have not lost my goddamn mind, although it does feel like it a bit lately, I know that adds up to 110%, because I am 110% over all this crap right now. It is a constant barrage of shit that I am tired of, that continues to just push me over the edge a little more and disappoint each day, and that combined with the supporting, negative and persuasive raging hormones, it all feels too much for one person to deal with today, or for me to deal with at least.

Since we returned home it has been appointments, appointments, appointments. I think I have only spent a maximum of two nights in a row at home without having to go back up to London for more hospital visits. Sleeping in my own bed seemed like such a simple pleasure before all this, something that I never really even thought about, but now it’s all I want. I am so grateful to Clic Sargent for providing Paul’s House, which is such a wonderful facility that means we don’t have to travel ninety minutes to get to UCLH and then ninety minutes back home each time I have an appointment, but the bed there is not my bed, and it is not home.

Pauls House has made all this and the constant stream of appointments bearable and I don’t know how I would have managed it, mainly because of the incontinence which can be really bad some days making travelling very difficult and nerve wracking, without it there, five minutes from the hospital, offering me a place to stay each night.

But the bed there is not my bed and, like I said, it is not home.

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Even the world is laughing at me. I found this card in my brother’s room; it had been sent to him BEFORE I WAS EVEN DIAGNOSED AND THIS FERTILITY CRAP STARTED. WHO SENDS A CARD ABOUT EGGS ANYWAY?!?!?! CAPS LOCK INTENDED

The overriding feeling is that I want to be left alone. Nothing I’m having done is particularly intrusive, I am not feeling more physically ill than I can handle – whilst my back is very sore and I am finding it difficult to walk today, I can deal with it, and my stomach is no worse than normal. But what it is is constant. And annoying. AND CRAPPY. I am tired of people covering my stomach in goo, scanning my stomach and telling me about how my egg harvest is good really. Oh like I shouldn’t be disappointed by this lowered expectation because at least it’s something. Well yes it something but that doesn’t dismiss the fact that, actually, I am completely pissed off, sad and exhausted. All I want to do is go home and lock myself in my room away from all this.

 

Where is the time for myself? Every fricking time I look forward to something it is changed, put off or cancelled. Every positive I am given feels like it is turned around and, as I begin to raise my hopes up, that positive, that tiny remnant of hope, falls apart and I flinch, winded from it all. I feel the shock and surprise hit me in the face like that frozen snowball you don’t see coming, a sharp mixture of ice, snow and grit – that snowball that feels almost a little personal. And as these things upset me, I begin to feel my eyes prickle and my fists clench around my crutches, not from the tight back pain this time but from the stress and the bullshit sarcoma, so that my knuckles pop and whiten. I feel angry and pissed off at myself for building myself up and at the world around me for taking me back apart.

I really just want to be left alone to wallow in a furious black hole of self absorption, self pity, and self loathing, without having to think onwards and upwards, today is a new day. Yes each day is new but the appointments are getting old. I’m just tired of it all.

 

 

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9 Comments

Bernie Redmond

Beth, it’s not surprising that you are pissed off with all your going through – have a good cry, I found that helped me when I was going through “all the shit” and it calmed me down!! You are in our prayers and I lit a candle as always at Mass last night to ask God to give you strength. Take care. Love Terry/Bernie/Lucy XXX

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Mandie

Darling girl, I can’t even begin to imagine how u r feeling but completely understand how bloody fed up and miserable u must b . U have more than every right to feel flipping furious with the cards you have been dealt in the past year,but I do know that you have strength of character, bravery and a fighting spirit way beyond what any of us could even dream of having.
Think of the summer when all this crap will b over and you can start to get on with your life and wonderfully bright future. I will even let you wear my orange sandals as a special treat!!!!!
C’mon Beth, u have so much more left in you and your inextinguisable light will b back on tomorrow. Nothing keeps u down for long.
The biggest hug sweet cheeks. Xxx

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Allison Semikin

What’s tough time you have had so far. You are entitled to feel dead grumpy and super pissy. Beth you are usually very upbeat so feel free to complain whenever you want as long as you share it between me and your dad. 😉 xxx

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Sandra

Beth, I hope you will soon get some peace and relaxation, free from pain and without worry of your health. You have already overcome so much with incredible strength of character and humour. If anyone can – it I you x

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Tracey and Tony Henderson

You wallow in your self pity all you want hun, you have a right to. Just know when you are done, everyone will be there for you xxx

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Cathy

Hi Beth. You don’t know me and I don’t know you, but your strength absolutely amazes me.
Please know that you are touching the hearts of many people with your posts…Cathy

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Pat Harmon

Sometimes you just gotta let yourself do this. It’s so incredibly exhausting to deal with the appointments, the stress of it all, flipping sarcoma, people’s expectations and careless comments, and feeling like you just HAVE to keep putting one foot in front of the other with a smile on your face. Sometimes you just gotta go into the black hole and cry and shut out the world for awhile. And if you can’t even stay in your own bed and pull up your own blankets around your head while you’re dealing with cancer and treatments and constant pain or discomfort or worry – well, go ahead and grump away. You deserve to have a pity party every so often – I let myself have one from time to time, though I need to far less frequently these days, and THAT’S something you can look forward to – because things do and will change.
You don’t have to be Supergirl. You can just be Beth, with some good days and some not-so-good days, riding the waves to get to being better. So yes, take some time to be angry, pissed off, sad, or whatever, then take a few deep breaths and keep on keeping on. Listen to music that speaks to you. (For me, Alabama Shakes singing “Hold On” has become my anthem, especially on bad days.) And believe it or not, you are doing great.

I’m sending you hugs and prayers. And I hope you’re feeling a bit happier now than when you wrote this last week.

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