I haven’t posted in this section for quite a while, so I figured you must all be on tenterhooks waiting to hear about the super embarrassing thing that happened during one of my osteopathy sessions. Well, I have one word for you: bootyshake…
Bootyshake is not supposed to be what you do in an osteopathy session; I can’t personally even pull it off after one or two bottles of wine in a club. Nevertheless, bootyshake is what I did (or attempted to do) upon an osteopathy table.
The reason for this is so:
Years of athletics and sports injuries taught me that I could lie blatantly about whether or not I had done the exercises set by a physiotherapist. When I was younger my mum was always there to rain upon my parade and spill the beans about my rebellious nature when it came to this sort of homework. However now that I am a certified adult I attend the osteopath all on my own, and so when back in February he asked me how my exercises had been going, after a week of doing absolutely nothing, I swiftly proceeded to reply brilliantly.
And then when he asked me to demonstrate them, admittedly, I faltered – briefly thinking oh shit – but I knew that I had this one in the bag… after all, I had years of bullshitting experience on my side. So he finished my sports massage and I turned sideways on the bed. I smiled smugly to myself, oh how oblivious he is, and began to, with one hand on my hip, quickly shake my hips side to side, in the least attractive bootyshake the world has ever seen. As I turned to watch his face cloud with confusion, my cockiness quickly gave way to mortification as I realised I had made a total and utter ass of myself.
Embarrassingly, it turns out that the actual exercise was a very simple hip rotation, where you basically lie on your side, bend your top leg and draw an arc with your knee. Very unexciting really.
Unfortunately, this gave me away and I am pretty sure that he knew I was completely lying. I am also pretty sure that he thought I was a Grade A twat. Thinking back, I am not really sure why I ever thought he would have set me exercises like that and why, out of all the made up exercises I could have done, I chose to shake my hips in the way I did.
Luckily for me I only had to go and show my face at a few more sessions because about five weeks later, after my condition had continued to deteriorate further and we still were left without any explanation as to why I was having so much pain, we called it quits on the osteopathy and I had an epidural.
But I will save that part of the story for another day and leave you with the morals of this story:
- Do not lie to your osteopaths.
- Only Beyoncé can truly Beyoncé.